So, throughout the past month, there’s been a whole big bunch of press about kinect sex and the Thrixxx video I’ve posted about a ton already. Thanks to a couple of interviews I did, I’m getting quoted rather heavily in the press. In each one of these articles, next to my name, is usually some variation of “Sex Tech Expert”. For starters, the English sites.

• ”… a software engineer and sex tech expert” - I feel like the first part kinda rules out the second, doesn’t it?
• ”… who is considered one of the world’s experts on sex and digital toys and games” - Damn skippy I am.
• “One of the greatest minds in the field of teledildonics” - Let’s act like this field is way, way bigger. I don’t want to be a big fish in the world’s dirtiest pond.
• “porn-industry expert Kyle Machulis” - Whoooooooooooa. Whoa. Whoa. No. I’m just the internet dildo guy.

However, this story has grown an international set of legs, let’s take a tour through the languages of the world and their own translation of “Dildo expert”, shall we?

This is gonna be like my own special version of Elmyra’s Round The World.

• Norwegian!

  • “Digital sexekspert …” - I read that in the voice of the sexecutioner’s nordic cousin and can’t stop giggling
  • “som visstnok er en ekspert på sexteknologi” - Supposedly? :P
  • ”… regnes som en en av verdens fremste eksperter på digital sex”

• Portugese!

  • “engenheiro robótico, especialista na relação entre sexo e tecnologia e dono do blog Slashdong”
  • “especialista mundial em jogos e brinquedos digitais de cunho erótico” - Google Translation: “a world expert on toys and games, digital stamp erotic”

• German and German und German!

  • ”… ein Experte für digitale Sexspiele und erotische Inhalte in interaktiven Umgebungen”
  • ”… seines Zeichens Technologie-Experte auf dem Gebiet ‘Virtueller Sex’”
  • ”… selbsternannter Sex-Experte”

• Turkish! - “Seks oyuncakları ve dijital oyuncaklar konusunda uzman …”

• French! - ”… considéré comme l’un des plus grands experts des sex toys et des jeux pour adultes”

• Italian! - “esperto di tecnologia dedicata alla sfera sessuale” - Google Translation: “technology experts dedicated to the sexual sphere”

• Dutch! - “Sexpert …” - Nice to see that particular joke transcends language barriers

• Polish! - “Ekspert od ‘technologii seksualnej’…”

• Chinese! - “位叫做Kyle Machulis的玩家评论道” - Um. Not a player. NOT A PLAYER. NOOOOOOOOOOO I’m ruined in China. D:

• Indonesian! - ”… menulis di blog Slashdong.org bahwa dirinya akan menggabungkan antara seks dengan teknologi”

Can someone please make me a business card with every single one of these on it? Or else compress every language into a picture like they do on Supreme Master TV.